Monday, November 16, 2009

For Darren

So much has changed. Lost love, found love, new manicurist, new barber. An even lower tolerance of excessive crap and a new appreciation of giving of one’s self. Being a mommy ROCKS. I mean, it just simply rocks.

Being a lover, friend, confidant, and the gorilla glue that holds so many lives together… egh, it rocks too, but being a mommy still takes the cake.

Not as angry as before. Learing to allow myself to be loved is a journey. Learning not to take on other people’s problems is the current task at hand. i have a confession... puting cumin in ur spaghetti sucks, it tastes like an italian and asian indian are having a death match... please stop.

Did I mention I have fallen in love with Harlem?

Monday, October 12, 2009

it is not hard to love someone. it is hard to let someone love you...

acknowledging that you deserve to be happy is no easy task.

accepting that you deserve love, loyalty, devotion and sincerity is easier said than done!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Adaptation to hell.

I never gave much thought to the reality associated with scratching my own back. I am overdrawn. My reserve is depleted.

The silence, solitude and darkness is comforting he said. Maybe for him. but here, in this place - it is a preview to a sinner's hell. A glimpse at the torment that welcomes and entices you in with promises of fulfilled rage and satisfying anger.

Its fucked it. And because you have given into your rage, because you have fed your anger; the ability to save yourself from the hell you once embraced with open legs and a closed heart has consumed the very essence of your existence.

He was right. It is nice here.

Friday, July 24, 2009


I can’t really put into words what I feel. I have never been at a loss for words, and often times have too many to share. But right now, I can not seem to string together a series of words to create a coherent thought let alone a sentence.

There are no clear sound thoughts in my head. Just outbursts of pain, rage, confusion and disgust.

I am caught between the temptation of carrying out random acts of violence and random outburst of uncontrollable sobbing mixed with the painful songs of loss. What do I want? I have no idea. What do I need? See the answer to what I want.

Leave me alone and go away. Stay and hold me. Within the same breath, I’m hot and cold, in pain and numb, hungry and full, tired and wide awake and a loyal traitor. If I have never been before – I am now the epitome of a walking, talking, breathing, struggling to survive contradiction. A dichotomy, oxymoron and dark sadistic muse.

The need to assign blame is natural. But how natural is it to blame yourself for not having the strength to control others from putting you in a situation to assign unwarranted blame to yourself?

Sunday, March 1, 2009


So I say to Dee, “this blog thing is not therapeutic” and she says “well it wont be unless u use it as a therapeutic outlet and tool” or something to that effect. So, here goes therapy…

ENVY - An emotion that "occurs when a person lacks another’s [perceived] superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it." It can also derive from a sense of low self-esteem that results from an upward social comparison threatening a person's self image: another person has something that the envier considers to be important to have. If the other person is perceived to be similar to the envier, the aroused envy will be particularly intense, because it signals to the envier that it just as well could have been him or her who had the desired object.

Bertrand Russell said envy was one of the most potent causes of unhappiness. It is a universal and most unfortunate aspect of human nature because not only is the envious person rendered unhappy by his envy, but also wishes to inflict misfortune on others.

That being said… Im over it. My life if full of genuine love, and daily showered with grace and mercy. Thank you Dee.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

The way it is.

I slipped on a patch of ice and shattered my leg into three pieces on February 2nd. Sometimes it takes being placed in a situation you can not control to make your perspective change. I have always prided myself in being independent, self sufficient and in control. Well, apparently God wanted to teach me a lesson in humility…

I can not walk for a total of three months… my mother says that maybe this experience will lower my nose a little out of the air, blah – stranger things have happened.

I have become completely dependent on my husband, who never complains,  is staying out of work to care for me and puts up with my frustrations, rants, attitude and gas.  I have watched him without pause become both mother and father, he has always had a close connection with our son & been an active father, but w/ me being laid up and gimped out he does EVERYTHING. Cooks, cleans, changes diapers, makes bottles, everything. And here I sit, surfing the entire internet and I’ve seen everything on cable television.

All this to say – I am thankful. I am thankful that my fall was not worse. I am thankful that my nosey neighbors came outside once they heard me yelling for help. I am thankful that there was not wait at the ER, my hand IV didn’t hurt and the morphine kicked in right away. I am thankful that I did not have the baby with me when I fell nor did I hit my head or bust my teeth out. I’m thankful for a wonderful and supportive husband and for short term disability insurance.